Mini review: Dracula 3D (Italian dubbed in English)

Before I get started with the review, there is something you should know about my relationship with Dracula (the book, the character and the vampire race.)

My first real classic was Dracula which took me about a whole year to finish. I wrote many definitions in the margins with blue ink, including a few repetitions of “Hark!” (Listen) which Count Dracula loved to say.

I would watch the crap out of any Dracula-related thing and even make a shot-by-shot analysis of a Dracula music video.

So, the review starts now!

Review: Dracula 3D

D and I were surprised to find Dracula showing at JB. The actors listed on the B-grade horror movie poster featured Italian names and I was hoping that it was an Italian opera.


[If you’ve watched the trailer, you’ve watched all the good parts of the movies, just without the 5-second breast scenes (NSFW).]

Even though the movie was made by a famous Italian director, it was far from the quality of an Italian opera.

Dracula was so campy and full of gore and bad computer effects. Not enough naked man torso to compensate for our time.

If you replace the location with a summer camp, it looks exactly like an American horror movie (yes, boobs included): Movie starts with a pair of amorous couple rolling in the (literal) hay. Girl is killed by monster within first 10 minutes. Naive Boy arrives at Castle, seduced by Undead Girl (gratuitous boob scene) but Dracula stops the act. Final Girl (or She-Who-Lives-At-The-End) arrives. Girl’s friend dies. Old Wise Man arrives, try to kill off Evil but fails. Final Girl finally kills Jason Dracula.

Halfway through the movie, a few young people left the cinema, mumbling things like “stupid”.

Characters of Dracula

A good point of the movie is that the Dracula was the most perfect representation of the Count out of all the shows I’ve seen.
Dracula 3D
He is a handsome European uncle with nice hair and a nice accent.

Mina was quite gorgeous and had a hint of Winona Ryder who was another Mina in the Keanu-as-Jon-Harker version.

Speaking of J-Hark, I was not very pleased with this version. D thought he was cute, though. The only J-Hark portrayal which I approve is Julian Loko. (Even Keanu Reeves does not make the cut.)

Julian Loko as Jonathan Harker in Dracula the musical, music video Enscore

The only Jon Harker I endorse–Julian Loko with his ice blue eyes

Sappy Dracula

Since Bram Stoker’s Dracula, screenwriters have made Dracula the most sappy romantic character. He only wants to be with Mina because she reminds him of his long dead wife. (So all his bad actions are forgiven in Hollywood.)

If I were undead, I would be out making a bazillion dollars and not looking for someone that looks like my dead wife or the love of my life who happens to smell like lavender. Seriously, you should at least smell like fried chicken or the very least, coffee.

Dracula should be bad ass.

Even though it’s not related to the movie or the book, I would totally read a modern adaptation of Dracula. In fact, I have a few thoughts about how it should be adapted. I want to read that book! Maybe I should write that book.

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2 thoughts on “Mini review: Dracula 3D (Italian dubbed in English)

  1. ***WARNING – POTENTIAL SPOILERS***

    So the whole film has been spoiled by the unfinished trailer they put out last year then

    It already showed him being shot by Mina and decomposing.

    There’s no Dracula rising from the ashes after being shot and turning in to a giant bat “with a mocking grin”?

    Bobbins. I’ll just check it out if it ever comes to DVD and I’m bored.

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